When you know what you want, but you’re scared to go and get it.

Well, it’s been an interesting few weeks that’s for sure. I’ve now officially left my last job. No more early starts and lack of sleep, whoop whoop. But I’ve yet to find something to move onto, which is kind of scary but also exciting at the same time.

My 2nd to last week at my last job was a washout. I got a bug from my partner which laid me up for most of the week, and thankfully I was well enough to go in for my last week.

It was kind of sad and relieving at the same time. Sad in that I hated leaving behind people who I have really enjoyed working with and for. But relieving in the sense that I can now get regular sleep, not have to work every Sunday or miss my beloved footy, or stay up and only get 4hrs sleep if I do watch it!

Anyway, I don’t like to dwell too much on the past, so it’s onwards and forwards. I’ve been applying for a number of jobs every day for the last 3-4 days, so I’m hopeful one of them will turn out positive. Plus I’ve signed up with a number of job agencies to get them working for me too, so something should come up soon.

I’m strangely not anxious in anyway about not having a job yet. Even though I know I’ve loads of bills at the end of this month, I’m confident that I’ll have something by the end of this week and that it’ll pay enough for the remainder of the month to enable me to pay those bills.

Actually the large majority of jobs I’ve been applying for have been a huge 25-50% more in yearly wage than I was on in my last job, which is amazing on one hand but expected on the other. The main reason I paid to obtain my HGV license was to enable me to earn more, but to actually see the increase with my own eyes is great.

I started out last week thinking that I could be picky with my requirements though. Not wanting early starts or to work more than 9hrs a day. But I’ve decided that I need to earn as much as possible and so if I have to start early ‘ish’ then so be it. Although 5am isn’t really early for me anyway, seeing as though I’m used to getting up at 2am!

And working 10-11 hour days is fine too, seeing as though I’ll probably be starting early, I’ll still be home by 6pm most days.

Today for instance, I’ve literally applied for 3 jobs all with wages over £25k, which is a massive increase on my previous wage. And although all of them were 10hrs a day, they were only 5 days a week and all weekdays too, so it’s kind of a no brainer really.

When I first thought of applying for my HGV license I think I was scared for some reason. Scared of not getting a higher paying job, scared perhaps that I couldn’t do the work, maybe even scared that actually I could and that I’d find it easy.

I don’t know that isn’t the case yet. But now that I have my license and have let the thought of what I’ll be doing sink in, I’m not really scared, I’m more anxious and excited about what the future holds.

For the first time in a very very long time, I can see an end to our debt issues and I can see a future where we are planning on being debt free and actually able to work on creating something more for ourselves than we’ve ever had before.

For whatever reasons in the past, I think I’ve been scared of actually getting the things we’ve really wanted and come up with various reasons and excuses as to why we didn’t have them or really want to have them.

But now that I’ve experienced the things I have over the last 10-20 years, I can honestly sit here now and say to myself, what a fucking idiot, just pull your finger out and go smash it, grab what you really want.

Both my partner and I eager to set ourselves some proper financial goals again, like we used to years and years ago and we have set a few the last few days, but I’ve tempered back my planning until I actually obtain a higher paying job, it’s easier said than done after all.

The last time I applied for a new job I went through 19 applications before I got even 1 reply, so I’m not getting myself worked up just yet, with my measly 11 applications so far with no response.

Still, it wouldn’t hurt would it, a quick email or phone call to say thanks for the application, we’ll be in touch soon. Or is that just me?

Anyway, that’s enough for tonight, I’m mentally drained today, so much thinking. I’m still bunged up but think I need to use some energy tomorrow, so will probably do some bodyweight workout of some kind, it’s been nearly 3 weeks since my last one, egads!

Until next time…



Doing some form of exercise every day and IIFYM.

This is my new year’s resolution for 2017.

Doing some form of exercise, every, single, day. And If It Fits My Macros it’s going in my face hole.

At least until I get my fitness levels back to a decent level (for me) and my body fat (waist size) down to where I want it.

I’ve decided to take some measurements for the first time in a while, after all, if I don’t know where I’m starting from, I don’t know how far I’ve got to go.

Or something motivational along those lines 😎.

Anyhoo, here’s where I’m at today…

Weight: 75kg

Waist: 36 inches

Chest: 41 inches

So there it is, I officially have the fattest gut I’ve ever had. Strangely enough, I’ve got my 2nd largest chest measurement I’ve ever had and yet I’m not the heaviest I’ve ever been.

Anyone would think fat takes up more space than muscle! 😉

I’ve stuck with just my stomach and chest measurements only as they’re the stats that tell me where I’m at the best.

I’ve taken my scale weight just for reference purposes, I don’t actually care what I weigh, and it doesn’t matter to me, it’s my measurements that do matter.

This is especially important when you’re weight training. I’ve noticed a lot of people who are trying for fat loss tend to focus on scale weight.

It works, to begin with, as the body loses water weight and some fat pretty quickly. But then that levels off, and if you’re doing some form of muscle building exercise, then the muscle gain starts to even out the water/fat loss. Then these people get demotivated that their diet isn’t working and quit.

I think I’m going to weigh myself and take some measurements every 2 weeks, to begin with, then just stick to the measurements and only weigh myself once a month after the first month.

So this week I literally just did one round of 5 x chin ups, 10 x pushups and 15 x squats per day, every work day.

Today is my day off, and I’m doing a 30 min walk on the treadmill with my 18kg weights vest on as well as the one round of bodyweight exercises.

Holy shit was I sweating by the end of the walk. Talk about fitness level drop! Only 2/3 months ago I was doing short distance sprints (30-60 secs)  on the treadmill with it on, and not sweating as much as I did

Only 2/3 months ago I was doing short distance sprints (30-45 secs) on the treadmill with it on, and not sweating as much as I did today 😥.

I’ve deliberately stuck to something basic every day, just so that I start off with some easy wins for my first week exercising and being back at work.

This week wasn’t too bad with the early 3 am starts, getting up wasn’t the issue in fact. What the issue was, was the getting to sleep.

I was a good boy and stuck to my new sleep schedule. Every night I went to bed (about 8:30 pm) a good 30-45 mins before I needed to be asleep. But every, single, fucking, night, I was awake for at least an hour, lying there feeling relaxed and not thinking about anything, but yet I didn’t get to sleep that quickly.

It’s not surprising really. Seeing as though I’ve spent the best part of 2 weeks not going to bed that early. I just would’ve thought with being up that early, getting less sleep, being on my feet for half the work day, doing the exercise, that this would’ve tired me out enough to get to sleep quickly, just like before Christmas.

Hey ho, I’m sure I’ll be back to normal soon enough. Although getting the 1.5hrs+ sleep during the day does mean I’m at least getting 6hrs every 24hrs, but the afternoon sleeping makes me feel thick headed, and it takes several hours for it to wear off.

Although getting the 1.5hrs+ sleep during the day means I’m at least getting 6hrs every 24hrs, which is good. But the afternoon sleeping makes me feel thick headed, and it takes several hours for it to wear off.

I’m trying to stick to 90 minutes sleep segments, but it’s difficult when I set the alarm for 2hrs, which should allow me 30 mins to get to sleep, but I take 60 mins and then only get 60 mins sleep because the alarm wakes me up.

I’m not too bothered, to be honest. I’ve got less than a month left of this job, and I will then hopefully be in a more civilised one. Well, that’s assuming I can find one during January.

I didn’t really set myself a realistic goal of finding a new job with the holiday break last month. Most job advertisements died off for about 3 weeks, and are only just now coming back. But I’m optimistic something suitable will come up, even if it just gets me out of the early starts of this job, I’ll be getting better sleep and be in a better place mentally to look for another more suitable job.

Right, one last thing I wanted to write down was about my eating.

After spending the last few months not eating properly, not cycling to work or for fun, and also not consistently doing any weight lifting, it’s not a surprise my body has gone to shit.

So I’ve decided to go for IIFYM. Which for anyone reading this that doesn’t know what it means, it’s “if it fits your macros”.

I don’t like putting terms or names on what I do eating or exercise wise. I just eat and exercise, it’s no more difficult than that.

But I want to log and write about things more this time round, so I thought I’d give things some official names to make me sound cool. 😎

So I’ve done IIFYM in the past. Basically most of the last 15+ years actually. I don’t generally care what I eat, as long as I like it, as long as I feel good, I continue eating it.

Sometimes I’ve decided that I ‘should’ eat more vegetables, or ‘should’ eat a particular food less. But then I’ve become unhappy which spirals into not eating properly at all and not exercising at all.

So that’s not happening again, ever.

Plus, IIFYM is ideal for me wanting to lose a few inches off my stomach and do nothing else with my health, etc.

I don’t want to add any extra muscle mass, I don’t want to be any healthier, I only want to lose the excess belly fat, so IIFYM is perfect for that.

It’s simple to do and means I don’t have to change anything eating wise. I’m just going to keep track of things via My Fitness Pal, and that’s it.

Once I’ve lost my excess belly fat, or at least got it down to 33/34 inches again, I’ll probably stop IIFYM most likely. Maybe I won’t, we’ll see how I feel at the time.

Right, so I’ve worked out my calorie intake for each day, and I’m using that as a baseline level to build my eating back up to. Then once I’m consistently eating that in real food every day and also exercising every day, I’ll then change it accordingly to match my activity levels.

I honestly think the only thing I’m going to struggle with is eating proper portion sized meals for dinner.

Except for Christmas dinner, a farewell dinner for my partner’s in-laws and a pre-Christmas works dinner, I literally didn’t eat a decent sized meal for probably 3 months.

Instead, I spent the afternoons and evenings snacking on shit foods in smaller portions, and therefore I feel like I’ve shrunk my stomach and I just can’t eat big meals now.

It’s kind of a good thing actually because now that I want to lose some belly fat and have a lower calorie intake, my meals need to be slightly smaller.

I just need to make sure I don’t keep any shit food in the house, and then I won’t be tempted to eat any.

And that’s been my bane for months now. Having the shit food in the house. I’m good at not popping to the shops, or via the shops or even getting something shitty while out and about. But if I’ve got shit food at home, that’s it, I get all psychic and start hearing voices in my head from the food telling me to eat it! 😜

Ok, that’s enough of that today, I’m hungry, and it’s time for brunch.

Until next time…


When life gives you lemons, make orange juice!

Just when I think that everything is going smoothly, I go and fail my HGV test and fuck things up for myself!

Four straight days of 4 hour lessons started off a bit dodgy last week with me not feeling very positive at all at the end of Monday. But Tuesday I felt much better Wednesday was a little frustrating as I was continuing to make the same few mistakes, but then Thursday it all came together and both myself and my instructor were confident I would pass on Friday.

Yeah right. Fucking idiot.

Within 30 seconds of the test beginning I knew I had failed. I hit a cone on the reversing maneuver and that was an instant serious fault and fail, but the instructor said nothing and allowed me to continue on and complete the rest of the reversing, which I did really well.

I then did the main driving of the test pretty well, with only 6 minor marks by the end of it (allowed 15 before it’s a fail), but I knew that I failed on the reversing to which he confirmed when we arrived back at the test center and said those fatal words “I’m sorry to say….” …. “Bollocks” I thought to myself. “I knew it” I said to the instructor though.

I beat myself up about it on Friday for most of the day and evening, but then Saturday I got over myself and tried to sort out another test. But unfortunately due to the popularity of HGV driving at the moment I can’t get another test until 7th Dec.

It put a spanner in the works of me leaving my current job at the end of Nov as I was pretty confident of finding a HGV role within 2-3 weeks and having something to bring in the money for Christmas.

So I weighed up my options of staying with my current job or leaving anyway and just finding a new job to get me through Christmas and passing my HGV test and then starting a HGV job in Jan, but it wasn’t looking great locally for jobs and I didn’t want to take the risk of not finding one in the 2-3 week period I have left in Nov.

So I’ve decided to stay where I am for Christmas and then also January, because that’s the busiest period of the year and it wouldn’t be fair or very decent of me to leave them with a new driver right during the busy period.

It gives me a little leeway too in passing my HGV test and to find a HGV job I really want. Assuming I pass the 2nd test of course haha.

Anyhoo. I didn’t do any exercise what so ever last week. I just felt so mentally drained every time I got home from my lessons and I was pretty tired most days too.

This week back at work and I’ve had three 2am starts in a row which was a bit of a shock to the system, after having nice 7-8hrs lay ins last week. Anyway, I’ve done some bodyweight exercises this week a couple of times, just to ease myself back into it.

I’ve also decided to be an adult about my early starts and lack of sleep in the evenings. I’ve been getting between 1-2 hours of sleep during the day time by getting home from work, having something to eat and then going straight to bed and allowing myself a proper foundation to stay asleep.

Unlike the last 12 months where every day I got home and just sat on the sofa and if I fell asleep I only ever got around 30 minutes.

This week I’ve got about 5 hours sleep in the evening as normal and by adding the 1-2 hours of sleep in the day time, I’m not feeling so tired in the afternoons or whilst driving early in the mornings.

I’m not sure I’ll need to keep it up all the time from now until Christmas as last year the work load tailed off as we got closer to Christmas, but I know I’ll need to get used to sleeping during the day time for January, as last year it was pretty manic and every weekday I was up at stupid o’clock delivering.

Anyhoo, I’ve got a job for Christmas, I work with people I get on with, we have a good laugh at times and I’m still driving at least, so I can’t knock my situation too much.

Just gotta make sure I pass my 2nd HGV test in December!

Until next time…


More sleep = more tired. What the fuck. 

Oooh look at me using the WordPress app whilst on a break at work, Mr cool kid.

Last night I had 7hrs sleep as I had no deliveries to do and when I woke up I felt like shit. 

Way more tired than I do on 5hrs sleep, how the fuck does that work?

I feel sluggish and heavy today, like I’ve done a massive workout the day before. 

I’m glad I only did a light one yesterday, jeez.

The countdown has begun, less than 24hrs and I’ll be in the front row watching my beloved Manchester United! ! 

Until next time . . . 


Incline Bench Press and Dumbbell Flyes

Short an sweet today. No 3am start so no excuse to not do some kind of weight lifting today.

I did 3 sets of barbell incline bench press and 3 sets of dumbbell flyes as follows:

IBP – 10 x 55kg, 10 x 60kg and 8 x 70kg (8 reps was about where I thought I might struggle on the next rep so I stopped). 

DF – 10 x 7.5kg, 10 x 10kg and 10 x 12.5kg (all nice and slow with full stretch at the bottom). 

And that was me done. Well except for a quick set of 25 x 25kg calf raises and a 15 x 10kg set of cable bicep curls (because you know biceps are important). 

No introspection today. I’m working on some memory lane posts to open up about my past, I think I’ll do one a week and see how it makes me feel. 

Not as early start tomorrow. On at 4am so not so bad. 

Will do another 20kg weight vest treadmill walk tomorrow. No fucking around, enough wallowing over the last few months, time to go straight in at the deep end again, but with some common sense thrown in.

Until next time… 


What have I learnt from persistent mental tiredness?

Long post warning.

I’ve had an introspective afternoon and felt the urge to write shit down. Be warned this is a long post of self loathing, self discovery, a bit of swearing, but mostly self loathing.

Breaking this post down for those not interested in reading long form writing is as follows:

If there is one thing that working in the job I have for the last 12 months has taught me, it’s that mental tiredness is more difficult to overcome than physical tiredness.

For those happy to read long form posts, feel free to read on.

When I worked on a fruit farm, I was active, on my feet, lifting, moving, building, digging, planting, pruning, picking and packing stuff for 8-10hrs a day, 5 days a week. Nothing herculean, but all the same, pretty active.

On top of this though, I would also lift weights (medium to quite heavy weights – 1.5 x bodyweight on most compound lifts) 2-3 times a week and sometimes go for a short distance sprint once or twice a week too.

All of this was physically demanding, but I grew to live with it. My body would ache, twinge and generally moan at me most days, but I grew strong from it all, both physically and mentally.

For the first few years of working on the farm I didn’t really exercise outside of work. I had taken a few years off of exercising to ‘find myself’ as it were and eventually I came back to exercising after a couple of years of working on the farm.

After 3-6 months I started to feel physically tired most days. Until I realised that it was due to me under-eating and so I changed my diet (e.g added more food in) and I no longer had the day in day out tiredness. I would find I had some kind of muscle ache from my workouts or working on the farm pretty much most days, but the physical tiredness disappeared (except for exceptionally heavy weight lifting days – e.g squat and deadlift 1 rep pr’s) once I upped my food in take.

But I realised that I was under eating pretty quickly really and was able to change my habits accordingly.

Skip a few years and fast forward to 12 months ago, when I changed jobs to one far less physically demanding and one more mentally demanding and things took a massive diversion and for the worse.

A little enlightening for those that read this and don’t know what I do:

I get up in the middle of the night at 2-3am for 4 out of the 5 days I work and I work for anything between 8-12hrs. I drive for 2 to 5hrs each of those 4 days, delivering our orders and then I get back to base and work in the kitchen making fresh organic cold pressed juices for the rest of my daily hours.

Not so difficult you might think? Well, that’s what I thought when I first started anyway. Compared to the farm work, this was going to be a walk in the country.

Fucking idiot.

I’ve struggled to get to sleep before 9pm most work nights for this whole 12 months, barely getting 5-6hrs sleep most work nights. And believe me I have tried various different wind down patterns in the evenings, changing my eating, relaxation techniques, supplements etc.

But slowly and surely I became mentally exhausted as the weeks and months went by.

I’ve gone from doing 2-3 workouts a week at the beginning of this new job, using the same weights, reps and sets that I was doing on the farm to doing 2 to 1 to zero some weeks of far less weight, reps and sets.

I’ve ignored the slow but obvious signs of mental exhaustion creeping up on me and then also tried to ignore the negative physical signs this mental state was then having on me too.

It’s taken me pretty much this whole 12 months to properly realise what affect this is having and has had on my overall health, which is fucking stupid, considering the experience I have gained over the last 10-15yrs.

The previous 10-15yrs I’ve always used myself as a guinea pig to try new workouts, new foods, new supplements etc, trying to find a way of being fit and healthy that fitted in with the lifestyle I wanted to lead.

And I’ve done pretty well.

Up until this last 12 months though badger balls.

Well, let’s not be too hard on myself (my mood is brightening as I write) I have still done pretty well the last 12 months if I compare myself to most other people.

Apologies to most other people.

But, then I’ve grown to consider myself not like most other people.

Thinking about it maybe I am like other people, but they just don’t write their mental shit down like me?

Fuck knows.

In no way, shape or form do I think I’m an athlete, nor do I want to be. That shit is for those people far younger and way more talented sporting wise than I’ve ever been.

But the consistency and habits that I’ve formed over the last 15yrs really were starting to show 12 months ago in that I rarely if ever got ill. I rarely if ever got injured (unless I was getting a bag of sugar out of the cupboard at a funny angle – don’t fucking ask!) and I always felt confident, strong and healthy and just as important, I was mentally strong for one of the first times in my life.

When life got me down, I simply turned to some form of exercise to cheer myself up and it would normally work. A heavy squatting or deadlift session would lift even the dullest or foulest of moods.

A quick 5-10 min sprint on the treadmill would awaken my mind like not even the strongest coffee could.

A sluggish start to the day for my body could be awoken with a healthy meal and a few pints of water and the day was mine to boss.

And yet the last 12 months I seem to have forgotten all this. I seem to have allowed my health, fitness and mental abilities to wane, become clouded and misguided. And when I say misguided, I literally mean misguided, but strangely by myself none-the-less.

My own mind has played tricks on me the little watery, weird, tubey, fleshy fucking thing.

But then I suppose my brain hasn’t experienced the mental exhaustion that it has these last 12 months, so how was it going to react?

Like a sloth that’s smoked an ounce of the finest Dutch weed, that’s how.

Anyways. I’m back, I’m me again, fucked if I’m going to let this shit continue any more. I’ve seen the fucking light and I’ve pulled my brain out of the darkness and towards the light, screaming, shouting, crying liking a little fucking baby, thrown myself through it and landed on my fucking head with my dick in my face.

Ahem, excuse me, I got a bit carried away there.

I mean, I’m bendy, just not THAT bendy.

The reality of it is that I got a shiny sharp razor blade and scrapped the slimey membrane of shitty darkness that had covered it from 12 months of consistent lack of sleep, lack of a proper, moderated, balanced eating as well as a lack of regular exercise and realised that the real me is still here, the real me that I worked so fucking hard on for a decade and a half.

I’ve had new experiences in the past and I’ve learnt from them. I’ve just had a new experience and it’s now time to learn from it.

The best thing I’ve learnt?

I’m still fucking here!

In all my balding, midget, feisty gloriousness and I’m not going anywhere you hairy badger balled motherfucker.

Ahem, right, I feel better now.

Where was I?

Ah yes. So consistent mental tiredness has been one of the single most toughest things I’ve ever had to overcome. End of.

And you know what? I’ve had to overcome some tough obstacles you know.

Not so tough as a surviving a war zone, or an oppressive government, but you know, some tough western shit.

And I’m going to lay it all out here, because I need to. I don’t give a fuck if no one reads this, I just need to write this shit down, it’s time to dim the lights.

Drug abuse. Imprisonment (not drug related). Yet more drug abuse and even some drug dealing too. The loss of school friends taken away by judgmental parents not wanting their dear one’s to mingle with trouble makers. The death of a father that I never knew of until it was too late.

And there’s even personal shit that I’m too scared to write down at the moment, even how I feel right now isn’t dark enough to admit that I need to write it down. Maybe another day. Fucking chicken shit.


Fucking rainbows and unicorns. Mothballs and butterflies. What the actual fuck?

Life is fucking amazing and fucking shit all at the same time.

I’m a westerner living a life of luxury most easterners (and some westerners) can’t comprehend and here I am self loathing and wallowing in shit.

Fuck it. It is what it is. It’s a big fucking world and we all have a life to lead.

Here’s mine, for you to read about or to ignore.

Fuck me. Where’d this post come from, go and end up?

Border line narcissist? Possibly. If I knew what it meant. Most likely I’ve just written it down to try and sound clever.

Mentally unstable? Quite probably. But I blame the lack of sleep.

Fucks given? None.

I am what I am. My mood needs lightening. Fuck a weights workout, I’m putting on my 20kg weights vest and doing a 20 minute walk on the treadmill.

Yeah. I’m back. Fucking hardcore.

Until next time…




Journal Entry 18.09.16 – Widowmaker Squats and Ice-cream and Jelly. 

Going to keep this short and sweet as I feel fucking miserable after my football team lost for the 3rd time in a week. 

Did another set of widowmaker squats today and did 80kg weight and surprisingly my legs felt good. I was pretty puffed out and had to take a few deep breathes after the 10th and 15th reps, but overall my legs felt like they’ve got more in the tank. 

So I’m going for 85kg on Tuesday and we’ll see how they feel then. I’m feeling better than I thought I would doing them, seeing as though a few years ago I did 97.5kg for 20 reps, I’m not as far away as I thought I might be now. 

I did a few back exercises to today. Some bent over rows (10 x 46.5kg, 10 x 49kg, 10 x 51.5kg) seated rows (10 x 30kg x 3 sets) and some up right rows (40 x 7.5kg)

Tomorrow I’m going to do some bench pressing and some flyes for a change. Not done any for a few months so it’s overdue regardless of how I’m feeling.

Had some vanilla ice cream and blackcurrant jelly for a treat pudding and not even sugar could cheer me up pmsl. 

I could tell I was pretty fucking miserable  from the football result today as even after my squat session I didn’t feel any better, which is very unusual as weightlifting has always been my get out and cheer myself up clause.

Possibly because I’ve stepped off the weightlifting of late that it’s not having the same effect on me. Hence why I definitely need to get back to regular workouts, which this coming week should see me do. 

We’ll see what happens.

Until next time…