Something I’ve never really talked about on this blog is being in debt. Or specifically me being in debt.
It’s something I know a lot of people deal with and also a lot of people blog about, but I’ve always kept certain things off of the internet for personal reasons, I believe not ‘everything’ needs to be shared with the world!
Sure there are things I share that people tell me I shouldn’t, like my twisted views on certain subjects, but I don’t think they reveal too much about me as a person, aside from that I have an incredibly dark and open mind is lol.
Anyway, I’ve never talked about my personal debt. And whilst I’m not going to go into detail any time soon, I’ve decided to start talking about it on the blog, when the need comes up anyway.
I’ve realised this year that when I write my thoughts down, it’s like a release, an almost unburdening of things that play on my mind.
I’ve never been one for letting things get to me, I’ve never stressed about things nor have I let things effect my health or mental state. Lately though I’ve found myself thinking about the future and doing certain things, but not being able to afford to do them due to being in debt.
I’ve had some form of debt since I met my partner back in 1998. It’s been in credit card form, loan form and also contract form for buying objects on buy now pay later. And until recently I’ve not really been that bothered about it, I’ve wanted to do and have things now and so I’ve borrowed to do and have them.
Mostly those ‘things’ up until the last few years anyway, have been experiences. I have borrowed money to go places (travelling for instance). To move house due to career changers. To move away from negative people that I no longer want in my life etc.
But this last year or two specifically, when I borrowed money, I suddenly realised that I wouldn’t be able to do certain things that I had planned to do in the coming years, certain experiences that I wanted to have.
These ‘experiences’ were part of the reason why I moved away from the country and back to a city. And these same ‘experiences’ have now been put on the back burner simply because I wanted for want of a better word ‘material’ possessions.
I’ve realised that I wanted these material possessions to make myself feel like I had achieved something. By having x appliance or gadget etc I thought that it meant I could show that I had achieved something. Instead of spending money on experiences, I thought by buying ‘things’ I would have something to show others that meant I had achieved something.
But that hasn’t been the case.
I have come to the realisation that I have put off ‘doing‘ things for ‘having‘ things.
I have put off having experiences, fun experiences, mind opening experiences, growth experiences. All for material possessions that can be thrown away and forgotten and/or can be replaced in a few years.
Which is a strange feeling when I really think about it. As I’ve never been one for buying things for the sake of owning the latest fad etc. I’ve not got a lot of personal possessions really, most ‘things’ that I do buy tend to be a few years old and not the fad thing of the moment either.
Up until very recently, I’d been more concerned about having money to spend on my health and fitness, making sure that my body and my mind are able to function like they do now, well into my older years, but something changed and I decided to focus on material things.
Thankfully I’ve realised pretty quickly that these material things are not making me happy, but it’s come at a price. And one that I’m having to pay for for a few years longer than I should have.
The debt I’ve had up until a few years ago, would have been nearly paid off by now and now that I am earning more now that I’m back in the city again, I could and should be using that money to buy the experiences I’ve been longer for for a while, but yet I got lost somewhere and increased my debt by buying things that I didn’t really need to be someone that I’m never going to be happy being.
Anyway, this is getting a little cryptic in a way now pmsl. But I’m basically stopping buying anything that isn’t going to add value to my life for the long term, at least until my debt is paid off. Unless something breaks, or is desperately needed to make my life happier right now and in to the near future, then it’s not getting any of my attention and more importantly isn’t getting brought with debt.
Looking at my current debt situation in a positive mindset and I have reduced it by about 5% since the turn of this year, so that’s a good thing, but it’s not quick enough in my eyes.
I am aiming to have my debt halved by the end of this year, allowing for some downs and potentially needing to use money to get through them, so that’s a positive and I know that.
But it’s incredibly difficult wanting to have new experiences knowing that I’m now earning enough to have them, but not being able to have them due to the debt.
I want to have my protein cake AND to eat it all to myself om nom nom nom.
Anyway, as I said above, having realised that writing allows me to release things, I can now visually see my minds thoughts and it really is interesting to see them.
I can only describe it as almost soothing and relaxing. It shows me that the thoughts I have in my head and the plans I make for myself and my future in my head, actually make sense and are what I really need, not want, but need to create the future that I deep down know will be the best for me.
Only by writing these thoughts down can I reassure myself that they are my own thoughts.
Does that make any actual sense?
Anyhoo. I do know that I probably spend way too much of my time reading, in fact I worked out a few days ago that this year so far I’ve spent on average 4 hours every single day reading.
Which is pretty amazing seeing as though for the whole of January I barely had a few hours to myself outside of working, eating and sleeping. I guess I made up for it in February!
I don’t read fictional material as I prefer to read educational and informative writing, things that teach me something new to use in my life, rather than simply to just entertain me. I prefer to get my fictional and entertainment fixes from movies and short films rather than books.
Which is possibly another reason why I’ve all of sudden realised my debt hasn’t gotten me where I want to be, because I’ve been reading a lot about things I wanted to do and then realised I couldn’t do them because of the debt!
Anyway, the debt is now decreasing, it’ll be halved by the end of this year (unless there’s a catastrophe) so it means I need to find creative ways of doing things that I’ll enjoy and will keep me motivated to continue decreasing the debt.
Thankfully I’ve got weight lifting and running as a hobby and I know both REALLY help me with getting rid of pent up energy and also both allow me to be more clear headed and think positively about the future.
In fact that’s something else I should write about in a future post. How exercise has helped me out of some deep and dark holes. I don’t think enough people write about how fitness has helped them be a more positive person and overcome the negative aspects of what life can throw at you.
And for me it’s something that has literally changed the person I would have become had I not found a passion for exercise, so I think I should share that experience.
Right I’m off for a bit of barefoot treadmill running I think…
Fuck me, what a random post that was, me in a nutshell I guess pmsl.
Until next time…