Its ok to breakdown, just make sure you don’t get lost.

“When life throws obstacles in your way, the only way to beat them is to go through them”

That’s what I’ve been doing this year and it’s been tough, real tough. I’ve not known it until the last few days, but I suffered a breakdown of sorts because of how tough its been.

This year was supposed to be about me being more consistent with my health & fitness, getting the main business onto a new platform (optimising it for mobile), creating another company, releasing our own products and also finding a new job.

“On paper that all sounds easy”

That’s what I said to myself at the beginning of the year.

Until the last few weeks though I didn’t realise how difficult it was going to be, nor what kind of a toll it would take on me.

EDIT: This is a long post, which wasn’t my intention to begin with, but as it turns out was needed.

Firstly my health & fitness are at a level they have never been at before. I have been more consistent than ever before and it was paying off up to a month ago as I was at my strongest and fittest than ever before in my life.

Secondly, getting the main business opitmized and then launching another company with our own product has happened, so yay! But it’s been a lot harder than I thought it would be, mainly because of our limited budget due to being on a just above minimum wage farm job.

Thirdly, finding a new job. That hasn’t happened, but not for the want of trying. Being where we are is limiting in the quantity of jobs that are available and it’s only recently that we’ve finally realised that to ensure that our businesses have a future we have to move back to our home town, which has been a painful but enlightening journey.

And finally, my current job. I’ve loved every minute of working on a fruit farm and still love it, but being the person I am, and have become, I find it incredibly difficult to work in a small business with people who don’t have my passion for being organised and efficient.

And these things have been the main cause of what I can only think has been a mini breakdown about 2 weeks ago.

I had just finished getting the main business fully optimized and onto a mobile friendly platform, then within a few weeks we had successfully launched our new business and finally had our own products, then I started getting frustrated with the people I worked with and a few days later something went wrong inside of me, no, perhaps wrong is the incorrect word, something changed inside of me is a better way of saying it, I think.

I suddenly went from being full of energy, feeling strong, healthy and positive like I always do, to feeling thick headed, lethargic and angry/negative towards stupid little things that I normally let go over my head, and then I found myself in a situation of what I can only describe as feeling almost ‘out of body’.

Looking back over the last two weeks, I don’t recognise the person I was nor the reactions I was having to situations around me. It was as if an angry, negative, selfish person had replaced me and the real me couldn’t get out, I was trapped inside watching this person be horrible to those around me.

My partner and I had a chat the other night and we agreed that for what ever reason the last two weeks have been pretty tough and she said it felt like I was about to explode at any point.

Thankfully I didn’t, or at least not on a major scale, but I did act very strangely and I’ve got a few apologies to make, one major one being to my partner and then myself.

Without a doubt I took on too much in a short space of time. I tried to continue on doing everything when I should have taken a step back, prioritised and just done the minimum on everything else.

But as I have a tendency to do, I wanted to do everything myself, in the shortest time possible and all at once.

Yeah ok Mike, you dick!

Anyway, during the last month to two weeks I’ve not regularly exercised, aside from doing a couple of 1/2 Cindy’s during the week, I’ve not done any heavy lifting, nor long walks, nothing.

My eating has gone to shit. Well for me anyway. I’ve eaten probably half the amount of food I normally do, and consequently I’ve lost about 1.5kg in weight…. in two fecking weeks!!

Which is why I think I started getting regular headaches. Not surprising when you add in going to bed at irregular times and not sleeping properly too.

On top of all that I lost my libido. Which for those that don’t know me is VERY unlike me lol.

Then for whatever reason, two days ago I woke up and I didn’t have a headache for once, I felt rested, I felt myself.

I lay there for a minute thinking, huh, what day is it. I thought for a moment and realised the date and thought to myself… “where have these two weeks gone”.

And that’s when I realised I must’ve had some kind of breakdown. I lay there for a second and didn’t think much of it, but as I was getting ready for a day on the farm, I felt different, I felt dreamy, my body felt light and my head felt airy and the only way I can describe it is having a feeling of floating.

I actually felt like I had had an amazing nights sleep for the first time in weeks. And I had. I realised that I’d had about 8.5hrs sleep.

Which is long for me anyway, as I normally get about 7-7.5hrs but the few months before I’d been regularly getting 6 or less most nights, except for once a week maybe when I got 7 or more hrs.

Then that day on the farm I started to realise that maybe that wasn’t a good thing, maybe I had been affected by the lack of sleep, maybe just maybe I had been too busy and taken on too much and my body had been saying these last few weeks, listen Mike, I’ve had enough it’s time for me to sort this out.

And I guess the only way my body could tell me enough was enough was by my body not being my body lol.

Shit, that makes no fucking sense, but a lot of sense at the same time.

I feel kind of weird right now. As I’m thinking about this, I’m just writing what comes into my head, and it’s kind of relieving in a strange way. Like everything I’ve thought and talked about the last few days is down in front of me to acknowledge and see with my own eyes that it’s something that has happened to me.

And whilst it’s not particularly groundbreaking, nor overly important on the world wide scale of issues, I feel like it’s been an amazing experience these last few days.

I’ve come to realise something that I should’ve realised months ago, fuck years ago if I’m being brutal. I should’ve realised that we needed to get away from our current day jobs to move our business forward much quicker than we’re doing, but I’ve allowed myself to become comfortable, which isn’t always good.

I think that if we’d been in higher paying jobs a few years ago, we’d be in a much better position with the business, and probably would’ve launched our own products much sooner and probably with far less stress.

Which kind of brings me nicely round to the last point of what I think was the tipping point in my little breakdown, being organised and efficient.

Something that I have most definitely gotten from exercising and eating healthy over the years has been becoming more organised and efficient at doing things.

Obviously if you’re in any way serious about changing your health & fitness, at some point you’ve got to track your progress, set goals etc.

I think because of this I’ve become someone who enjoys, no, thrives on being organised and efficient. I’m not going to be bashful about it. I enjoy breaking things down to the miniscule and planning things, being organised about things and being as efficient as possible about things.

But something that I don’t like is working around people who are not, and worst of all, don’t try to be otherwise.

I’m not going to be unprofessional and name people I work with, but if any of them read this blog (unlikely) then they’ll know who they are lol. But most of the people I work with (including the bosses) are as unorganised and inefficient as you could imagine, and on a daily basis I get frustrated with it.

Normally though, I let it go and just accept that I’m getting weekly wage and it’s not my business, I get on with my jobs in an organised and efficient manner, then I tend to help others out with their jobs, mainly because they’re unorganised and inefficient, but like I said, I’m fine with that, or at least I was until a few weeks ago!

I think along with all the pressure I had been putting on myself with my own things, when I went into my farm job the pressure was turned up a notch because I have to deal with people who are unorganised and inefficient, and for whatever reason, I couldn’t take it anymore and something inside of me changed.

Like I said, thankfully I didn’t say or do anything stupid, but I think by keeping most of it inside of me it turned a screw that my body couldn’t take and it reacted like it did for a few weeks.

Thankfully it did only last a few weeks, and I’m still here and back to normal afterwards, although I don’t think I am back to normal, nor do I think I ever will be.

I feel like something has changed inside of me, and to be honest I’m not completely comfortable with it as it’s making me feel nervous at how I’ll react to situations now, but at the same time I kind of feel glad about it.

I’ve always been a person who has just got on with my life, not worried about others and just lived the way I wanted to. I’ve kept most of my thoughts to myself and my partner and let others get on with things.

But these last few days I’ve started saying things that I wouldn’t normally. I’ve started reacting to things that I’m not happy about, or that affect the way I go about my day job and saying things I’ve never said before.

I’m not completely comfortable with it yet, as it’s something new to me, but I feel like something has been taken off of me in the last few weeks, like shackles or something and I’m now free to say what’s really on my mind.

It sounds quite weird now I’m writing this down. I feel like I should just be an adult and say what’s on my mind. Which I’ve not done in the past, mainly because what’s on my mind will usually upset the apple cart, as the saying goes.

But I now feel like, meh, fuck it, this needs to be said!

It’s not a case of me being right, it’s never that. It’s just a case of people doing what’s right for the business we all work for.

I think I’ve bottled up my feelings on the disorganization and inefficiency of the farm job for too long, and fuck knows why, but I feel like it needs to come out now, before I leave, even though leaving would free me of being around it all the time, I still feel like I need to say something before I go.

Which doesn’t really make sense.

I just need to do it in a way that lets everyone know that I want what’s best for the business and for all of us, and it’s not what’s best for me.

Shit, if the farm was even a smidgen more organised and efficient than it is, then everyone could probably get an increase in their wages, but yet no-one but me seemingly see’s it that way.

Anyway, I’m getting close to whinging territory now lol.

Phew. That’s probably the most I’ve written in a blog post for a long time and strangely I feel great for it.

I’ve not planned anything for this weekend, I need a few days of just doing my own shit, eating crap, watching tv, playing computer games, watching football, drinking some beer and then maybe I’ll thinking about planning some business stuff for next week.

If anyone has read this far, then I commend you! lol

Until next time…

WeeMike

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