I want more, but I’m afraid to go and get it.

Siiiiigh, and the hot summer continues on, working on the fruit farm getting all sweaty and dirty, coming home, working out, showering, munching on some proteins and wondering what to do with the business, that’s my life right now, exactly as I planned it, and yet it doesn’t feel like it should, I want more.

OK, perhaps not more, but I want to get to the part where I have enough money to enjoy different things without being concerned I won’t be able to pay the bills at the end of the month.

I want a few more tattoos, I want to look fit and strong, I want to be able to go to the beach a few times a month, I want to go watch my football team live at the weekend, I want to live in a hot country with my partner and have kids.  Ooops I’m not supposed to admit that last bit, we’ve always said we didn’t want kids, but the last year or so we both seem to have warmed to the idea, but haven’t really sat down and concretely said yes we want kids.

I know it all takes time and effort blah blah blah, and I’m fully aware that life isn’t about the end goal, it’s about the journey, but what happens when you’re not enjoying that journey?

Well, bollocks fuck shit, there’s no point wallowing in self pity as I know what should happen.

I should change path like I have done so many times in the past.  But no matter how many different paths I have walked down, or how many times I have made a change, it doesn’t make the next one any easier, lifes a fucking bitch and I hate her, the slapper!


Other times life is great, I choose what I do and when to do it, I’m my own master and make my own decisions, and I’m pretty good at making the right decisions for myself too, but fuck a duck I don’t half do things sideways sometimes – but then I am a Cancerian so it’s in my nature lol.

I don’t know why I even bothered writing shit down tonight, I’m just in a self loathing state, I should be in bed really, making sure I get my normal 7-8hrs of sleep lol … fucking health bollocks shit.

See, I’m even swearing more than normal.

I dunno, I just need to man the fuck up and make the most of who I have become, who I have turned myself into.

I’ve spent the best part of 36 years going against the grain, doing things to make myself happy, making myself into something more than what I was originally given and fucking what other people think.

But then I’d cower away as I reached somewhere near my potential because I didn’t want to garnering too much attention, and I didn’t like the people who couldn’t be what I wanted to be looking at me as if to say, who the fuck are you for wanting more??

So I surround myself with people who don’t want to achieve the things I want to, just so that when I fail yet again I feel that it is OK to not want to be more, just settle for what is.

What the fuck is that all about?

I don’t even know if I’m making any sense to myself right now, it’s just coming out like fucking diarrhea.

It’s about time I realised that if I want certain things in life, I’ve got to really focus on them full on, no giving the fuck up when I’m nearly there and settling for something less and wondering why the fuck I am unhappy later down the line.

Its time that things were laid out in front of me, for me to see all the time, to be worked on all the time, to be seen by others all the time.  And they can watch as I grow, as I become a stronger, better me and get the things I want, the things that I know make me happy.

Yes I’ll fail along the way, but I won’t give up, just like I never have, I’ll try the fuck again, and again, and again, until the time comes when I get what I want.

Because I want more.

Oh yeah, and as always I worked out on Monday and logged it on Fitocracy here… https://www.fitocracy.com/entry/24808226/ .. yay go me, I can lift some weights and stuff!

Fuck me I need to go to sleep.

Until next time…



2 thoughts on “I want more, but I’m afraid to go and get it.

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